Two as One

Being apart from Taylor has made me realize how much a part of me he is. I am more than just Anne with him; my identity seems prone to shifting without his anchoring presence near me.

It’s not that I forget that I am a wife, but without one’s husband–meeting people, walking hand in hand, welcoming people into our home together–it is difficult to maintain that part of my perception of myself. Yes, I am still married; yes, I still have a husband, but I don’t (usually) introduce myself as “Taylor’s wife” when he’s not here; I can’t turn toward him and pronounce: “this is my husband;” I don’t get to smile back at him every time I catch his eye throughout the day…

You see, when I’m without my spouse, I’m all on my own. I wake up on my own, I go to work and come home on my own. I cook and clean with my own motivation and schedule and hunger cues. I go to sleep alone and wake up again, on my own in bed.

It’s so much about me when there is no one else around that it’s hard to keep hold of my “self” outside of myself. I imagine it’s the same for parents who are without their children for a time. Something is missing (however welcome the temporary rest might be); something is not quite right.

My Momma always said that your spouse is the only person in your family you get to choose, and that’s true. Even in adoption, I am learning that we do not choose our children; they are given to us just as biological children are a gift. To love is always a choice, but with a spouse, there is choice first in whom.

And so there’s a particular type of one-ness with one’s spouse, a particular kind of unity, and a particular type of emptiness when apart. This is the person I have chosen to be with the rest of my life, the person I have chosen to help me get to heaven.

And when he’s not here, a part of me is missing. The part that grounds my dreams and offers me a fresh perspective, drawing me minute by minute outside myself, out of my interior life. He brings me into the world in so many wonderful ways.

I can’t wait to have him home with me again. Just two more days until I see him again. It’s been too long..

And he’s just so handsome, too!

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2 comments

  1. lagbd wrote:

    I know that separation. I hope and pray that I’ll be seeing my spouse one day and forever.